9 Words That Don't Exist

August 14, 2008 by ian

I'm taking a brief break from internet marketing pondering and prognostication to vent a bit about words. Specifically, words that aren't actually words:

Irregardless. Wait, so is that the opposite of 'regardless'? So, regardful? With regards? Oh, wait, it's not a word!

Nuculer. Our wonderful President, as well as Jack Bauer, seem to know about a whole new form of energy. It's not 'nuclear', it's 'nuculer' or 'nooculer' or whatever the hell it's supposed to mean. Not a word!

Like.. Like is actually a word. But it's not, like, supposed to be a, like, conjunction, you know? I abuse this word, too, but I, like, stab myself with a spork every time I do it, y'know?

360 Degrees. Again, this is actually a phrase. But it's been misused to the point that I think we should strike it from the language. I actually heard a CEO say "we're going to turn this company around 360 degrees". Okay. So you're going to make me dizzy, yet accomplish nothing?

Brang. The fact that I hear adults use this phrase makes me weep for the species.

Ain't. I like this non-word myself. And it's actually been added to the dictionary. But it still makes me sound like I fell headfirst off a truck as a young child.

Performant. I don't even know what the hell this 'word' is supposed to mean. But a developer threw it at me in an argument about SEO standards when he said that my changes would make the site 'non performant'. I retired from the battlefield, realizing that my opponent couldn't feel pain. That would require brain function.

Non-defunct. Yet another attempt by people to sound smarter by creating double negatives. Backfires horribly when the listener realizes the speaker could have said 'alive' and saved some oxygen for the rest of us.

Anti-opposed. I'm opposed to this word.

I'll stop now.

Another smart-ass post you might like: 13 Ways to Generate Customer Hate

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Dana says:

August 15, 2008 05:42

I would like to add another word to that list. How about "non-professionalist"? I don't even think I need to double check on that word even being legitimate.... I've heard that one a few times around the old work place. How about unprofessional? geesh.

Like, don't people, like, have, like, a, like, half, like, decent, like, vocabulary, or, like, something?!

Scott Clemons says:

August 15, 2008 07:02

My favorites are anyways and preventitive. Anways, maybe we can, like, turn this 360 degrees and anti-oppose these words with some preventive proper english. Where you at?

Hugh says:

August 15, 2008 07:05

THANK YOU. I have been stewing over the irregardlessness around me for ages. The other ones were funny too. "Non Performant" is, if I may say, a perfumant argument, or maybe odorifant. It stanks. You have to be dumb to win arguments that way, because if people know you are smart and you used non words like that, yer credibility would be shot; they'd never discuss things with you again. Life would be easier if I was dumb.
Hugh

emily says:

August 15, 2008 07:17

My personal favorite is funner, As in that was funner than a roller coaster. Ugh...

Found your post via stumble upon!

MikeTek says:

August 15, 2008 07:43

The Jack Bauer thing drove me nuts. I think it was after Bush started talking a lot about nuclear arms. I couldn't believe our leader was up there saying "nuculer" over and over again. And then Jack Bauer started saying it. At that point I was thinking about emigrating to Canada.

Nathan Gilliatt says:

August 15, 2008 08:01

I can't find the strip, but there's a Dilbert with Dogbert pushing his new book, "Clues for the Clueless." Ratbert says he used to be clueless, but he turned that situation around 360 degrees. The payoff is Ratbert reading the page in "Clues" on conversational geometry.

Are you, like, anti-opposed to telling client CEOs that their conversational geometry ain't performant?

billdave says:

August 15, 2008 08:02

I'd like to add Impactful. My god what a dreadful construction.

Brang, not a phrase, but also, I've never heard it. Being from east Tennessee, I've heard someone say Bring and it sounded like brang due to an accent, but not sure what brang is.

Ain't is and has been a word for centuries, was once the preference of the upper classes in England, but has since gone the cycle of being left behind by the mainstream and only surviving in pockets in england and among lower classes in the US South, then came back strong with the Black/Southern diaspora in the US and as a bit of faux working-class chic starting in the 60s.

Ian says:

August 15, 2008 08:05

@Nathan I am 720 degrees opposed to the use of 'performant'.

Ian says:

August 15, 2008 08:08

@MikeTek In Canada they call boats 'boots'. so you can't win...

Elton says:

August 15, 2008 08:13

Nuculer is just differnt pronuciation and it's not just Bush who says it that way. i have heard several physists do the same, including one who worked on the manhattan project. It might be the wrong pronunciation to so is tamato.

Mindy says:

August 15, 2008 08:30

Brilliant. I hope you ask anyone who uses 360 degrees to indicate change how going in a circle is useful.

One that makes my skin crawl is "nosy" as a verb. As in "I'm going to have a nosy at that website now." Sorry? Nosy is an adjective.

BR says:

August 15, 2008 08:52

I nominate tunafish. If that's a word then I'd like to order a chickenbird sandwich or a steakcow with a baked potato.

Elton...Check the definition. Nyoo-kyoo-ler isn't just different, it's incorrect. It's transposing syllables and any physicist who mispronounces it should have their slide-rule confiscated. Who ever heard of "tamato"? It's either pronounced

tuh-mey-toh or tuh-mah-toh and both are considered correct.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/tomato

Writer Dad says:

August 15, 2008 09:13

What a wonderful site I just StumbledUpon. I'm adding you to my feeder. Perfect wit. Thank you.

Max says:

August 15, 2008 09:16

GOTTEN IS NOT A WORD DAMMIT!!!!!

Al says:

August 15, 2008 09:17

CONTENSTATION.

from "A Knights Tale" Prince Edward said this while William was in the stocks. I laugh every time I hear that word.

Lauren says:

August 15, 2008 09:29

For educational purposes only, I have copied and pasted the following from m-w.com (the dictionary).

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/irregardless

Main Entry: ir·re·gard·less
Pronunciation: \ˌir-i-ˈgärd-ləs\
Function: adverb
Etymology: probably blend of irrespective and regardless
Date: circa 1912
nonstandard : regardless
usage Irregardless originated in dialectal American speech in the early 20th century. Its fairly widespread use in speech called it to the attention of usage commentators as early as 1927. The most frequently repeated remark about it is that “there is no such word.” There is such a word, however. It is still used primarily in speech, although it can be found from time to time in edited prose. Its reputation has not risen over the years, and it is still a long way from general acceptance. Use regardless instead.]

Aha! There IS such a word! lol

piper says:

August 15, 2008 09:42

my favorite is the phrase "these ones"/"those ones". as in i hate it so much it makes me twitch every time i hear it.

julie says:

August 15, 2008 09:54

We don't call boats BOOTS - unless you're talking to someone from Newfoundland, in which case they say everything very differently than the rest of us. When a Newfie, as we call them, gets going I have NO IDEA what they are saying.

I am guilty of the occasional HEY or EH - as in "Great summer we're having, hey?" But I am Canadian, eh!

The one that drives me crazy is dethaw. If you are dethawing something aren't you actually freezing it? Or unthaw... same thing...

Mike says:

August 15, 2008 09:56

Co-conspirator--- this is in the same boat as "irregardless."

tim maguire says:

August 15, 2008 10:07

Elton is right on that one--"nucular" (or however you want to spell it) is simply an accent, not a different word. Elitists just show their ignorant provincialism when they make fun of it.

Speaking of making fun of, my copy of Webster's dictionary disagrees with you on "irregardless" and makes fun of people who think it's not a word. I've never heard of "brang," but expect it's like nucular--see ignorant provincialism remark above. "Like" belongs on a list, but not this list. I've never heard of most of the others. 360 degrees is probably used by failed math students to mean 180 degrees (they just figure if 180 is good, 360 must be double good, and Ian's 720 is double plus good).

steve says:

August 15, 2008 10:29

Wrong.

While irregardless is nonstandard, it is indeed a real word documented in the dictionary.

Merriam-Webster: The most frequently repeated remark about it is that “there is no such word.” There is such a word, however. It is still used primarily in speech, although it can be found from time to time in edited prose.

Liesl says:

August 15, 2008 10:53

Another one: "proactive." It may be a word but it is often used when "active" is the word you're actually looking for. Let's be proactive about getting our point across! Ugh.

Carlos del Rio says:

August 15, 2008 11:59

Ha ha! Ian these are great. Unfortunately, both irregardless and ain't are real English. They ain't proper, but, irregardless they are in the dictionary.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/irregardless
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ain%27t

Adam Snider says:

August 15, 2008 12:51

Like it or not, "like" as a conjunction is becoming a real part of the English language. Linguists have taken note of it, and apparently people who use it do so in a very consistent way. It's not random, and it will likely be an official part of the language in a relatively short time (though, it will likely take longer to become a part of written English than of spoken English).

As for "brang," what the hell is that supposed to be? I'm guessing it's a terrible mispronunciation of "brain." Am I correct?

Adam Snider says:

August 15, 2008 12:55

And we don't call boats "boots." I don't get the whole "noo doot aboot it" thing. That is not how we talk in Canada.

Ian says:

August 15, 2008 13:31

@Elton if 'nuculer' is another pronunciation, then 'TomTAHtoe' is correct, too.

Ian says:

August 15, 2008 13:36

@Lauren Sounds like it got into the dictionary because enough people repeated it. Still not a word! Can't hear you! LALALALALALALA...

Ian says:

August 15, 2008 13:42

@Julie I gotta disagree on the 'Boot' thing. My in-laws are maritimers - wonderful, smart people. But they can't pronounce 'boat' or 'house' to save their lives. It's all boot this, hoose that...

Ian says:

August 15, 2008 13:53

@Carlos yah a few hundred people have pointed that out. I've decided to stay the course...

Karen Swim says:

August 15, 2008 13:57

You hit two of my top pet peeves - irregardless and 360! I suspect offenders will not respond to this post but I know they're reading so please STOP now! Just for the record, in case you're still not sure 360 is a full turn, so if you are implying a new direction, try 180 or 90 or even 45!

Nathan Gilliatt says:

August 15, 2008 15:02

I suspect that brang is meant as the past tense of bring. I'm hearing it with a pronounced country accent.

Mark says:

August 15, 2008 15:24

Actually, according to dictionary.com, Performant is in fact a word, it just doesn't mean what some people think it does.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Performant

Webster's New Millennium™ Dictionary of English - Cite This Source - Share This Main Entry: performant
Part of Speech: n
Definition: a performer
Etymology: based on informant, etc.

Miguel Salcido says:

August 15, 2008 16:05

Don't forget optimasized!

Sherrilynne Starkie says:

August 16, 2008 05:34

Have you seen this? Uni professor says spelling doesn't matter....http://www.timeshighereducation.co.uk/story.asp?sectioncode=26&storycode=403092

Chuckie G says:

August 17, 2008 11:00

One more: "going forward"
As in: "What we intend to do with this company going forward..." Used incessantly on tv by finance wizards, this phrase is always redundant and just plain stupid.
And another: the absence of the past tense in tv news. "The Russian president telling us that..."
When he really said it yesterday. This crap is also missing the modal auxiliary (is/are). I'm not referring here to legitimate subordinate clauses, but to an indefensible attempt to make everything sound like it's being scooped right now. Although Keith Olbermann is otherwise my favorite commentator, he is the worst abuser of this practice. He's been watching way too much Fixed News, where I believe the practice began.

pablo says:

August 18, 2008 09:32

here's another one for ya... stupider ... believe it or not it doesnt exist... (or so i've been told.. i didnt check before posting this, and even though i realize it, i still refuse haha) more stupid is the correct way to say it...
i.e.
"one person is more stupid than the other person"

Anna says:

August 25, 2008 12:09

I'm a little late joining in, but top on my list are:

"flustered" or "frustrated", but NOT "flustrated"

"boughten" as in, "I should have boughten that pistol.."

Regarding "non-performant": Considering the context of the conversation, I'm betting at some point you uttered the phrase "standards compliant", and they were probably itching to throw an equivalent back. At least it was "non-performant" and not something worse like, "nonsensicalant"!

Greg says:

September 24, 2008 09:40

Great post - the ones I dislike the most after "like" and "ya know" is how in the U.S. people must end a question with "at". Where are you at? The other bothersome one is sports writers and announcers who write/say the team must get untracked meaning headed in the right direction - they should say "on track"