How To: Write a Really Crappy Business Blog

May 30, 2008 by ian

There are sooo many awful business blogs out there, I figure folks must really want to create them. So, in 13 easy steps, here's how you write a terrible business blog, torpedo your internet marketing strategy, and gain the scorn of your customer base at the same time:

1. Talk about yourself. Ooooh, this is a winner every time. Blather on about your latest product, how great you are, why readers should buy your stuff. Link to your own site a lot. Bore the heck out of 'em. I guarantee blog suckage within a week.
2. Go negative. Tell everyone why your competitor/fellow bloggers are total idiots. Don't be funny about it! People might misunderstand and think you're starting a debate! Make sure they know You Are Smart and They Are Dumb. You'll shed readers like Gore Tex sheds water.
3. Plagiarize. Cut-and-paste from other sites! It's so easy! Best part is that when you get caught (and you will) you'll be disgraced, and no one will ever darken your virtual door again.
4. Use lots of small, unreadable type. Tiny type gives everyone a headache. No one wants a headache. So they'll leave.
5. Spam the world. Send out unsolicited e-mails begging for links, clicks, attention and such. Use really bad grammar, too. The recipients will never come back. You're now that much closer to crapdom.
6. Use unreadable colors. Put gray text on a dark gray background. Your readers' eyes will cross so fast they'll switch sockets. Once their vision is permanently damaged, they'll have to stop reading. Craptacular.
7. Create really unclear links. Make folks think they're going to get something useful when they click, but send them to the page for the worst-selling product you have. Not only will your blog suck, your sales will too! Bonus!
8. Write badly. Remember, you can't build a crappy blog with good grammar and complete sentences. Insted use lots of misspelings and stuff. If you look too smart you'll attract readers, which are the anti-crap.
9. Write too much. Verbal diarrhea will drive away your audience. The stench alone can kill.
10. Digg every post you write. Yah, no one's every thought of that one. Go for it.
11. Stumble every post you write. See above.
12. Never post anything. The easiest way to have a blog that's crappy: Set up the blog, post once, and then never. post. again. This tip's great because it involves no work on your part. It's like you never created a blog at all. Which might have been better...
13. Don't care. Whatever you do, don't care about what you write. If your audience detects sincerity they'll stick around, and you'll have to keep writing. Ugh.

Update - Some great additions by LucyNixon via Twitter: Write lots of posts apologizing for not posting (weee!). Make sure your site breaks in Firefox. And use lots of ads that load really sloowwwwwllly.

Remember: Some of us are struggling to write decent business blogs. We don't need the competition. So please, keep writing your crappy one.

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